Fuckin' Fiction

I like Christmas music. It’s depressing. Why is it depressing? Because on a deep level it reminds people there savior died, and on a more superficial level, it reminds them that it’s Christmas. Most people go shopping during the winter. And they hear that awful music. Some people have to work with that awful music. No on likes it. But me.It’s as though Christianity though by slapping a holiday on the winter solstice, the worst time for human beings, they could keep people happy. But instead they made things worse. And I’m not even talking about the consumerism. It’s like, hey it’s the worst time of the year. Your starving. Your cold. Guess what Jesus died too. So stay happy people. But seriously pick up the Christmas album by Low. It will make you happy.

Sometimes when I am sober. I see things in third person, and as though I were on acid. I analyze the patterns that can’t be there. But they are there. I see myself arguing with someone. But then I see to monkey’s screaming in different voices. I can tell by the screams of the monkey’s who is wrong in the conversation, and who is right. It isn’t as crazy as it seems. Because what I am really doing is breaking the arguments down, collapsing them into what may be math. Deciding who is making the more logical argument and giving the chaos and order sounds in the monkey screams. But I do it so quickly I don’t think about anything but the screams. When I determine I am wrong I quietly admit it. To my dismay most people tend to be very loud about being right, but I have found being equally as quite, will make them lose there loud self praising. I don’t do this as often as I should, as I am quite stubborn.

They don’t tell you everything in school….or when you get a misdemeanor alcohol charge for underage drinking and you have to go to class, or in rehab. They tell you, you lose braincells from drinking, from drugs. They tell you, you will become dumber. They don’t paint the whole picture. Throughout the entirety of my life I have had one talent, one skill, that has never left and to my knowledge never had to be worked on. It was damage control. Whether it come to school work, trouble with the law, or health. The ability to clearly see the horizon and determine, the way to incur the least amount of damage, in bad situations has always been natural to me. So when my grammar declined, I expected that. When I had more and more frequent spelling errors, I expected that. That as your body decomposes from drinking a bottle of liquor every night, as you start to have diarrhea every day. You just generally feel bad. Some organs start to hurt. You shit blood on a regular basis. You expect these things. But when you quit drinking, to recover your physical body. And it turns out your central nervous system has been so bombarded that it is in a state of hyperactivity. That because of this, you can’t make new memories….you don’t expect that. And there is no one to talk to. Your closest friends don’t even want to hear it, no matter how entertaining you try to make it. You don’t expect that. And after so much you didn’t expect happens, you start to quit trusting old abilities. You walk outside, in your pajama’s, screaming, I am beating you. I am conquering you. I should have known, since I didn’t have the nightmares this time, I should have remembered. You should always remember. There was a reason you drank every day. There was a reason you shot up, there was a reason, you ate pills. And when you walk outside in your pajama’s, when you have laid your sword and shield down. That’s when the beast comes up right behind you. That’s when he attacks.

Hopefully you understand why this story is fragmented now. Have you changed your mind about me? Maybe in my moment of weakness I am less of a psycho, or less abhorrent? I tell you the important parts… when I remember them. Not in order. Your going to have to figure out the order. Your going to have to separate the exaggerations from the truth. The mania from, the pain. It’s not up to me, I am just writing it, your the one judging.

There are two more skills, I possessed, one of them I developed early on in life. It’s the ability to tell a story. The ability to use the right hand gestures, to exaggerate the right parts to make it entertaining. I developed this at a pretty young age. Probably from seeing my father entertain a room, of course at the age of 5, do you really know your dad’s been drinking. Maybe you do. But this was one of the skills I was proud of, the ability to entertain a group. I was no good at one on one communication. But I could make a group laugh, I could make them interested, I could manipulate a group. The last part I didn’t know or use until much later on. In fact I became better at one on one communication in that last department. The ability to use words, and false body language, to confuse, confound, manipulate, and change the opinions of others. These two skills, probably make me seem like a monster. Someone you hate. They weren’t developed intentionally, by any means. However, I did use them to successfully navigate Maslow’s Hierarchy. Some nights I had everything, some nights I skipped steps in that pyramide. Some nights I was hungry but had physical intimateness, some nights I wouldn’t even call it that. There’s only one last skill you need to know about…

Eric posts will update regularly on Monday’s. All other posts will update irregularly.

Flashback to now. I just quit drinking. I have been drinking everyday for the past 7 years. I was physically addicted. I had quit once before but with the help of rehab which means a 24 hour watch to help. I did this one with the help of valium(rehabs the same), except nobody watching me. Making sure I didn’t siezure out and die. Most people don’t know that alcohol withdrawl is more likely to kill you than heroin withdrawl. But I was clean…to an extent. I mean I still did the occasional this or that but no drinking right now.
Oh by the way there will be lots of flashbacks and forth. Not drug flashbacks, I personally don’t believe in them. Ok I take that back, I had two, But this is what I believe about them. There like finding a 5 dollar bill in your pocket of jeans you wear often. It doesn’t happen unless you carry cash all the time, if you understand my meaning.
A lot of people don’t know a lot of things about alcohol addiction. It’s really amazing, if you think about how common it is. There’s this thing called post withdrawl syndrome. It’s the suck. Look it up. Get a pamphlet from your local rehab.

My name is Eric. Ever since I can remember I have dated girls who have been abused. Not all the girls I dated were, but most. It wasn’t on purpose….at first. It was an innate ability that I had. Perhaps later on you will realize why, perhaps you won’t. After I realized what I was doing I didn’t really know what to think…at first I was horrified. Was I some skeezy subconcscience predator? Then i realized, I hadn’t really done anything wrong to these girls, that I knew of anyway. So I decided to hone the talent I had, to make it a skill. I read about child abuse, in all it’s forms and colors. Bulemic, Anorexic, and self concsience meant the brother probably did it. A squeaky child like voice meant it was probably papa. While none of these things on it’s own meant anything of course, my natural talent coupled with combing over tomes of child abuse, at the library, gave me a sharply honed edge.
Then something happened, I started working at a minimum wage job. A donut place. The turnaround was quick, incredibly quick. The only people that stayed were people I coined with the term “low income personality”. Because it wasn’t that hard to find a job in retail that you made almost double minimum wage at. But this job was easy and you could get away with constantly being late, or even the occasional unexplained absence.

Eric Posts will update on Mondays.