09.10
The blood wouldn’t stop coming. It was pouring out my nose, it had been for days, but I had stuck paper towels in it to prevent the blood from distracting me. I just needed to make it through another week of work. It was crunch time, they needed me. I needed them, I thought. But the blood was streaming out of my nose. My roommate suggested the emergency room. She was looking out for me. “No it will stop, I’m fine” I said. I tilted my head back, and shot the scotch in my mouth. I navigated the computer with one eye on the screen. The other eye wandering from her to the scotch. Back and forth taking a drink occasionally. We started watching Chris rock on the 42 inch plasma monitor I was using as the screen for my computer. I started laughing. Oh god the blood. Then I coughed.. and I coughed…..and I coughed some more. This thing shot out of my mouth huge and girthful. Some sort of amalgamation of blood and mucus and…maybe something else. It was huge. It landed on my pants. I laughed some more. I meandered to the kitchen so the blood would fall on tile and not carpet. At some point during this process my we named the creature, “Happy”. I laid down on the floor. She climbed onto the counter above me and took pictures. Some time passed and I decided to get up. I coughed again, “I SEE PURPLE.”. “We’re going to the emergency room” she said. I agreed. As we climbed down the patio stairs, I announced that I was fine and we could go back in and my nose had stopped bleeding. She said we had to go, I insisted I was fine. Then the inevitable stream of blood started again. We drove off. We stopped for gas, it was fun, another “Happy” was born during the ride. As we drove towards the ER, I saw a guy with no shirt, but a big bandage over his adomen. It was an omen. We shouldn’t have went in.
We did go in. We were laughing hysterically because the whole thing seemed so absurd. My nose quit bleeding. I asked to be checked in, and we sat down and waited. While we waited, the police came in and talked to the receptionist. Apparently they had lost a patient DURING surgery, the police were looking again. She and I began laughing hysterically again. Discussing the mechanics of losing a patient during surgery. How was that even possible? After 30 minutes or so a nurse checked me into the ER. She asked a series of questions. Each one, deepening the seriousness and what-the-fuck-titude in her face.
“How long has your nose been bleeding”
“I don’t know, maybe three days I think”
“Why didn’t you go to the Doctor?”
“It didn’t seem like a big deal, doctor’s are expensive, I couldn’t miss work, I’ve been working about 80 hours a week for the past three weeks”
None of those answers sated her. I quit searching for one that would.
“Any other symptoms?”
“Yeah, intense headaches”
“How long”
“About Two weeks”
“Have you taken any drugs or alcohol tonight”
“I had a few shots of scotch”
“Alright”
She assisted us to our private ER stall.
There was a guy next to us, who had messed up his leg really bad. I can’t remember his story, but we laughed. Everything was absurd. We laughed. Another nurse or doctor came in, he asked what the problem was, I explained it to him.
He asked if I had done any cocaine, I said no. He listened to my heart, he asked if I had done cocaine again. I said no, I haven’t. He said “Well your heart rate is really high and that is unusual?”
I responded with “WELL THERE IS BLOOD SHOOTING OUT OF MY FACE, that would cause that right”
He looked at me incredulously.
He gave me a cup to pee in.
I went to the restroom and peed in the cup. I don’t know if there was a sign there, but I remembered in most places I had taken drug tests there was. It said don’t flush, if your taking a drug test. I do remember I didn’t flush, regardless of whether the sign was there.
I wondered back to my ER stall. She told me someone came in there looking me. We laughed our asses off about how they had lost us already. This should have been a sign as well. We should have left, but they were supposed to be trained to deal with emergencies, right?
Hindsight, is 20/20.
A nurse finally did come and get me, and my nose started bleeding again. They were going to scan my head. The nurse gave me a half size towel. Before I got to the machine it was maroon with blood, from edge to edge. The nurse appeared concerned. She handed me a full size towel this time. I laughed, I also told her to tell the other guy that my nose bleed was serious because he did not seem concerned with my nose bleed. She layed me down on the scan machine. Each time as it would get close to the end of the scan I would spit the blood out and it would ruin the scan. This happened three times. She brought me a new towel, again this one was covered from edge to edge. I would only need one more half size towel that night. She told me I had to figure out some way not to ruin the scan or they would have to keep doing it. Instead of spitting the blood this time. I wished the mouthful around and swallowed. That scan was good. I went back to my ER stall. The man returned.
He announced “You didn’t do cocaine”.
I cackled the way I do when something is painfully obvious “I am aware of that”.
He asked if I had done speed.
“NO.”
Cough Medicine? Sudafed?
“NO. I HAD SOME SCOTCH.”
“Well there isn’t any reason for your blood pressure to be this high.”
“ISN’T THAT PART OF WHY I AM HERE?”
He scuttled off.
My room mate and I began laughing hysterically, again. He returned. He told me that he had to give me two shots in the ass, he didn’t use those words. I pulled my pants down…concerned about my room mate seeing the cleanliness of my ass. Nothing was mentioned about that. He stabbed me in each cheek. Then said “We have to put them in different places or if they combined, they would crystallize.”
This was hilarious.
Another bout of laughter ensued.
After he left we discussed crystallization in my ass. It was funny. But then whatever he gave me started to kick in. Things were no longer funny. Just slow. He never told me what he gave me, but I assume it was some sort of demerol cocktail.
The lights started to shut off in the ER. Eventually the lights in our stall went off. My room mate seemed concerned. We started yelling “Hey, we’re still back here” and the like, eventually the man found us. He moved us to a room. He asked for blood to see if I needed a transfusion. When he returned he said that I didn’t I had some blood left. I couldn’t laugh anymore. He said that my blood pressure had dropped enough, and that I would be leaving soon. As though we were just waiting for them to let us leave. I believe my room mate looked concerned. I fell asleep. I don’t know how long we sat in the room. A lady came in, I don’t know if she was a nurse or a doctor, we hadn’t seen her before. She said that I had a tear in my nose and I had cluster headaches. She gave me a perscription for some thing for the headaches, it would later turn out to be an anti-depressant. My room mate looked at her “HE DOESN’T HAVE A TEAR IN HIS NOSE, THIS ISN’T RIGHT”. I signed the release forms, and we went home.